& I LOVE YOU ;

I hate this feeling

almost forgot

I almost forgot about my tumblr. it’s been a while. I’m debating whether to download the app onto my iPhone. I have no time anymore. barely for anything. I’m so busy cleaning, with school & church. eh I guess when I need you tumblr, you’re here.

jealous

right now. not being able to talk to franklin on the phone or text him or see him in skype, better yet PERSON. i’ve become jealous of all the other couples. people be getting boyfriends & girlfriends. or the ones that are already today, i see their posts, pictures that they’re together. things that they do. or what the guy does for his girl. & i’m just sitting here online & studying for school but i can no longer focus cause my mind just goes to all these relationship stuff & i just miss him so much. i just start crying. yeah i should be strong, & be happy that he’s there training, doing this for us. but being together for over 3 1/2 years now, it’s been a long distance relationship. i’ve only seen him like 15 days in person! 4 days a year pretty much in person. i should be strong, but right now i just can’t. because i want to go to his graduation but i just can’t, which makes it all worse. i haven’t ‘seen’ him since last summer! & i don’t know when i’ll see him again! after his ait most likely & that’s like october/november this year. that’s such a long wait. i’m about to just break off my ties with my accounts, but i’ll still be able to post. i just won’t check them. i can’t deal with looking at all my friends & their significant other. i love them but i just can’t bear it right now. i know jealousy is bad, & i’ve never been really the type to be jealous, so pray for me?

UGH!

obviously you don’t trust me. i’m going there for HIS graduation! i’m going to be there with his family. i’m not going to have sex & then get pregnant. seriously!!! i’m not fucking stupid. you BOTH know that i want to become a nurse & you always tell me to finish my school first. well no shit i’m going to finish school! every fucking mistake i make, you just make it worse. there’s no comfort afterwards, or any fucking sign of support. i do something good ‘oh good job anak’ & that’s it. thanks for your fucking support. why do you think i distance myself from you? i have to do things on my own. then the things i want to learn on my own, you always grab me before i take that chance & i lose whatever opportunity that is. so much for giving me what you didn’t have.

last week

in MY house. this is the house i’ve lived the longest, 4 1/2 years! & not only that, get to paint my room. i had a walk in closet & a bathroom which i didn’t expect. so many memories in this house, in this room. all the sleepovers & hangouts. being able to walk to the park whenever i felt like it. this is MAHAL’S house as well. when i first met her, was in this house. this is where she grew up. she’ll be 3 years next month.
i’ve noticed that she’s been acting different lately. not as happy as before. i think she can feel that this house will no longer be her home. she’s protected us from anything for the last year & 9 months that i’ve had her.
my room is pretty much empty. still have my dresser, bed, bookshelves & desk here. only things i have out is whatever i still need until we are finally out of this house. my clothes in my closet are still hanging…won’t box it up, just transfer it to the new house. my shutters are gone from my room & have cardboard boxes covering the bottom half on the side since our next door neighbors can look into my room from the one room.
words can’t describe how i feel right now. this was the first house where we were the first owners. yeah yeah i’m talking about a house here, but seriously, of all the places i’ve lived in since birth, this was like the closest to my dream house. there were some downsides but STILL. i love this house. i miss it already.
we’re moving our stuff to the new house on tuesday. i still haven’t seen it but i’ve seen pictures. yes there is a pool & a jacuzzi & a bigger yard for mahal to run around. i have to share the room with my sister. & share the bathroom with cj. the house is like 22 years old or so, which to me is OLD. when it’s over 10 years, it’s OLD. now i can’t paint my room, have my own bathroom or walk in closet. there isn’t a park that’s just right outside the house.

i just miss this house♥

i am the

maid in the house
one that gets blamed for
one that has to do everyone’s responsibilities that they can’t do at that moment
one that’s stressing with everyone’s things being thrown at me
only one that seems to have worked on having a stronger spiritual life since ARME

there’s just so much going on that i can take. honestly, how much can i handle of all this? how much more are you going to tell me to do this & to do that? what is it that you want from me? what is it that you expect of me? i’m not perfect. i’ve got my responsibilities to do. just because you can’t do all of yours means that you have to pass it down to me nor let all your anger on me.

i’m a prisoner in my own house. i’m a maid that has to do everything; help you out by helping mom out, helping you out with the laundry & dishes & sweep the floor & clean my room [when it’s already fucking cleaned up], help sarah with her homework, take him places he wants to go, take them to their doctor appointments…what do i get? i go to school & then while at home, i’m doing all listed above & do i ever get to go out where i want to go…? NO.

i barely have any time for myself.

i’m tired of this shit.